Letters to God

Letters to God (I)

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Baba God,

My belief in you creates the certainty that you are fine, but I sincerely don’t know if I am any better since we last spoke. Yea, I know I have been unfaithful to our relationship, but I also understand that you are a merciful and gracious Being. I decided to write this letter because it looks like my calls haven’t been connecting lately; perhaps I have been calling via the wrong network. I just hope I get a quick reply this time. Before anything, I would like to say thank you for not killing me yet; you can make and can kill, thank you for preserving me. Thank you for my friends and family, and thank you in advance for what you must do after you read this letter.

I know several others will get to read this letter, but I am not bothered. I can imagine someone telling me, “You don’t have the greatest problem in the world.” That is true; I am not just the type of guy that enjoys difficulties, either big or small. I just have one need: happiness and that requires a lot of things being in place. However, I would like to confess my sins before presenting my requests. Forgive me for I have sinned: I did promise to stop drinking, but my friends won’t just help. I have been able to reduce my intake from 7 to 2 bottles of Tusk beer, I sincerely hope you will overlook that and come to my rescue. God, you created man in your own image, and I hope you can understand the part that explains sex as the sweetest exercise that came with creation. I am trying so hard to quit my daunting act of sleeping with diverse girls every week; abstinence from alcohol seems to be very feasible. As for Sex? Hmmm, I am counting on your divine intervention. Don’t just forgive me, help me. It has gotten so bad that I even wank to porn in the absence of anything in skirt or anyone with ripe oranges upfront and onion booty. Excuse my language God; I am actually drunk right now.

Ehn en, lest I forget, this week I made a huge profit for my company. I sold our products for a higher price; actually 50% higher than our selling price. I actually got a commission, but not on the 50%. I went complaining to Jide, his deeper life doctrine won’t let him tell things the way they are. “You cheated that customer, ahn ahn. Making excessive profit is bad, Tayo be modest!” he said to me, he even called me a 419er. God is that a sin too? Yes, I actually kept 10% of the profit for myself, but your word says “the gift of a man will make way for him.” Isn’t that why I am a sales rep? If that is a sin too, Baba try understand abeg. It is not easy to be a man; I must look fresh, and all these babes don exit surulere bus top tey tey. No money, no honey.

Back to the matter – did I just use wizkid’s line for Him? Smh – God I am not happy at all, you promised to always have my back, but the way things are going it looks like you have left me to my own adversity. I need your help as fast as possible; advise me. I am not just ready for this type of obligation, and it is making me sad. In fact, I am scared. I have written letters seeking for the advice of my mother and Charles my friend, but their replies have left me so confused. My mum wants me to go to my boss and confess what I have done, how can I do that?

“Tayo, just terminate everything and run away. Even your appointment, you will get a better job,” Charles wrote in the concluding part of his letter to me.

I would have taken Charles’s advice but I haven’t found another job. God, you could have just created me as a girl and saved me from this inevitable shame brewing in the cloud above me.

Mr. Idemili will definitely kill me when he hears what I have done. God can you help me minister to his soul, please God, just this time and I will change. Abi, how do I tell him that I am the one responsible for the pregnancy of his daughters? Yea, don’t blame me; you gave him identical female twins: Osaso and Osato have killed me with their twerky booty. I swear I didn’t know I was doing the both of them until last month. It was while I was kushing Osaso that I realized she had a big birthmark Osato didn’t have on her waistline. Why didn’t I use condom? Oh dear God, skin diving is the sweetest way. Actually I am used to the ultra slim durex condom; I just got carried away this time. And to think that they have the same sizes of assets, holy Micheal! Please don’t judge me!

The bad thing is one doesn’t know I am involved with the other; I mean I just call them Osas for short and they respond. They brought the result of their pregnancy tests to me on Friday at different times. I don scatter a whole family with my Dickson, ah, mogbe! Charles thinks this is a war I shouldn’t wait to witness, and my mother says it is a blessing in disguise. Blessing from whom? It can’t be from you, the only thing I have asked for was a range rover, not double wahala. I am going crazy already; I hope this doesn’t claim my life. God this is my supplication, please help me this time and I promise to serve you forever. What do you think is happening to me? Should I terminate or embrace? What if they end up having 2 sets of twins?

The blessing of the Lord maketh rich and addeth no sorrow unto it. This can’t be you; these are my father’s enemy at work. Do not let me walk this path alone, please send angel Bauer to the rescue, my heart is about to explode from this emotional Haram.

I hope to hear from you soon, thank you sir.

Yours sincerely,
Awotayo Coker.

To be continued same time next week. Please drop a comment or tweet @fragiletimbzz & @jjshughar with the hashtag #Ltr2God. Don’t forget to subscribe do you won’t miss the other episodes.

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About the author / 

Patrick Jennifer

My name is Patrick Jennifer............ Talkative extraordinaire (aspiring OAP), Professional 'carer', Wanna-be writer, and I am sweetness personified.

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5 Comments

  1. dreamer August 27, 2014 at 8:35 am -  Reply

    loooool , if i was God na here i go leave u,u don dey on ur own from here,looool

    • shughar August 27, 2014 at 1:05 pm -  Reply

      hahahahaha………….why evils?

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