Comic Relief

Sermons from the Valley by Prophet Hounge

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On his way from Mount Henikeni, where he had gone to fast and pray for 60 days and 9 nights, at exactly a minute to 6pm, Prophet Hounge stopped at the valley and gave the sermon you’re about to read.

  1. Enough junk in the trunk is needed to maintain peaceful co-existence of mankind. (Hounge 2013)

  2. Woman! Thou art free to DM that dude you are crushing on. It’s a sin to die in silence. Aaron 2:5

  3. When you DM the guy you are crushing on, don’t make the P hard for him, just flow and get what you want. Boaz 6:4

  4. Daughter of man, if your leg is as hairy as a ram, Veet it or save man the gory sight by wearing pants and not shorts. Esau 3:2

  5. When a dude is setting your P, save him the stress, let him know early if he has a fat or slim chance. Tamar 11:9

  6. A special sauna in Hades awaits daughters of men who wear hips pad, butt pads and any other pad meant for deceit. Ahab 5:10

  7. Daughter of man, the belly might be the road to a man’s heart but sometimes you might just be aiming a littile too high. Gideon 4:1

  8. You are responsible for stares, ogling, whistles, whispers, etc, if you are b00btiful and still choose to display cleavage. Magdalene 2:1

  9. You are hipsy, yet you choose to wear a short top on jeggings, why cry out when sons of men sing Terry G’s Akpako to you? Jezebel 1:1

  10. If all you do is tweet BBA and E! News, don’t complain if men of substance don’t come your way. Martha 3:3

  11. Buy your man his favourite video game, play it with him whether you know how to or not and quit complaining he doesn’t have your time. Mary 12:2

  12. Hairnets, bendy rollers are for home use only. Tie a scarf when leaving your comfort zone. Abednego 22:4

  13. What shall it profit you to wear your Christmas cloth, put New Year’s in a bag and head to Shoprite just to snap pix? Nebuchadnezzar 5:32

  14. What shall it profit you to leave Ibafo for Shoprite just to buy donut? You nor see bread or Gala for road? Nor be same flour? Mordecai 2:4

  15. Be nice when a son of man DMs you, if his P doesn’t set, he might just end up being your in-law. Be wise. Mary 1:5

  16. Oh ye feminists of Africa! For you, sperm banks shall be opened in cities of Africa. Eve 6:9

  17. When enemies rise up like a flood, to write/blog/tweet rubbish against you, MTN shall be the standard against them. Herodias 1:1

  18. Woe betide all ye wearers of double bras, for when the truth shall be revealed, ye shall have yourselves to blame. Timotheus 6:9

  19. Sons of men! Thou shalt learn to watch your woman’s favourite programme with her even if it’s Keeping Up With The Kardashians, just stare at the beautiful things of life. Silas 14:2

  20. Any man who pratices kiss-and-tell, shall have his sins visited on his next two generations. Rueben 4:11

In giving this sermon, the Prophet was assisted by Biodun the @Maskuraid and Ruth @Olurounbi.

You can contact the Prophet @Hounge_ for further release of grace.

Hounge blogs at www.hounge.wordpress.com

This Prophet Hounge is not well. I have been laughing since I saw this post.

QUOTE: “Life doesn’t make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy’s job is to point that out that it doesn’t make sense and that it doesn’t make much difference anyway” -Eric Idle

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About the author / 

Patrick Jennifer

My name is Patrick Jennifer............ Talkative extraordinaire (aspiring OAP), Professional 'carer', Wanna-be writer, and I am sweetness personified.

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4 Comments

  1. arnytah June 19, 2014 at 1:36 pm -  Reply

    Hahaha…hilarious!

    • shughar June 20, 2014 at 1:17 pm -  Reply

      very!

  2. elsieisy June 19, 2014 at 6:54 am -  Reply

    hahahahah. i am guilty of number 12 (hair net though). prophet hounge leave me o. i no send person message biko. Nice one.

    • shughar June 19, 2014 at 9:16 am -  Reply

      Ah! the prophet shall deal with you in his own time! lol

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