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Introducing the Koala Gist Series

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Koala

Hello folks, my name is Koala, I come from a far far away distant land. I really do not enjoy writing nor talking, I just mind my business but Shughar had to lure me to her blog with her lotsa shughary stuffs(get your mind outta the gutter!)
Anyhoos, this ‘column’ will just be for pure bants and rants, if your ox is gored, do me a favour, chew bamboo. Thanks as you comply.
Shall I begin?

Avoidable Deaths.
The Ojuelegba accident could have been averted if articulated trucks are banned from certain bridges, but then again, do we ever hear word in this country? Try standing beside that bridge, say in front of that betting office, observe it for swaying. Apapa bridges are even notorious for dancing. Check it out some day.
The blame game is currently on between UNILAG authorities and NEPA (I refuse to be confused with the many new names that end with -DC), while the country has been robbed of another youth. God rest her soul. If going by reports, there had been sparks from that cable in a couple of days leading to that tragic incident, a right thinking school authority should have cordoned off that area. But then again, we live in a country where life is two a penny.

The Koala prays for the repose of souls that have died due to avoidable reasons.

Governor the Clown
Thirty six state govenors make of Nigeria and the only clown the Koala knows amongst them all, is none other than Ayodele Fayose of Ekiti. Where do I start from? His campaign against Buhari? His pepper buying skills? His share the money attitude? Or his jam talking? I feel sorry for people who actually take his actions serious, instead of just grabbing a big bowl of popcorn and a drink, to enjoy his clowning. In other News though, Ekiti people should please desist from making comments about politics in Nigeria, quit harassing our sensibilities.

Refugee Crisis
The world’s attention is now focused on the refugee situation in Europe, thanks to plenty News coverage. Even Nigerians are not carrying last in the matter. I won’t join people to ask ‘Who konsain you?’, rather, I’d advice you please spare a thought for internally displaced persons in our North East and our fellow Nigerians, who are refugees in Cameroun, Niger and Chad. Thank you.
One question: why is Europe not helping the refugees enter the great Mother Russia?

Music Video Palava
One aproko just had to mention he wasn’t seeing Psquare videos on SoundCity TV. Next thing, we are being entertained by statements, tweets and memes, back and forth a la De Gea Man Utd vs Real Madrid style. To say I thoroughly enjoyed myself, is an understatement. Anyhoos, I hope both parties resolve their #beef.

Sex is over-rated
So I was on my own, minding my own business and sipping yoghurt, then Chika Ike (the actress) had to just say something to make my nose twitch. What the hell is our business if she has chosen to be celibate? And why is she making such a big fuss out of it? It beats me really.
Some widows have not been getting some ever since their husband died and they are not singing about it like the Choir at St Peter’s Cathedral. So, please tell her to go take several seats in Teslim Balogun Stadium.
Besides, how can we be so sure she’s not getting some. The meter dey read?

I want to be the next Oonirisa of Ile-Ife
That’s how one Ghanaian Pastor, either after smoking high grade kush or wanting to be like his Naija counterparts, said Dele Momodu must be crowned next Ooni. Like seriously dude! I can only wish you all the best with your hustle while I continue to daydream about Jackie Appiah. I’ve had a crush on that fineeeee lady since the very first movie I saw her in. Gaddemit! Her skin colour, eyes and of course, the distinctive waist, gets me high. Words aren’t enough to describe. When I’m crowned Ooni, she’ll be my queen. Afterall, Africa needs to integrate.

Fuel of love
Has anyone noticed we no longer have long queues at filling stations? Unlike in the months of May and June. Now, you just drive in and get what you want. I’m quite relieved, even though it reduced the amount of lies I could tell.
She: let’s go to the movies
Me: where is the fuel? hehe

Gluta-whatever
All the girls I used to know from way back, are all looking different now. How? They are all lighter! No thanks to the so-called wonder pill Gluta-somtin (Forgive me, but i still can’t get my small brain to learn the full name). I’m really trying to come to terms with it sha. They say it has no side effect. Goodluck with that!

Before I run off, one quick question folks: what’s the average age of Nigerian feminists?

At this point, I’d like to drop my golden pen. Till I come your way again, doxology.

Don't keep it all to yourself.... Share some sweetness!! ;)

About the author / 

Patrick Jennifer

My name is Patrick Jennifer............ Talkative extraordinaire (aspiring OAP), Professional 'carer', Wanna-be writer, and I am sweetness personified.

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1 Comment

  1. Daisy September 16, 2015 at 10:05 am -  Reply

    Lol! Nice one. I guess d average age is 29!

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